Because I Have a Lot on My Mind

I don’t multi-task well. Call it a flaw, call it a strength, call it what you like, but it’s true. I’m more of an all-or-nothing type person. I know this trait is not popular in this fast changing world, but I’ve learned that it’s best to accept yourself for who you are, popular or not (as you can probably guess I was never one of the “cool kids” in school).

I mention my one-track mind because it’s very much related to some of the stress with which I’m currently dealing. Now, if I were better able to juggle many things at once, this period in my life wouldn’t be very stressful at all ( and when I say “juggle things” here I mean intangible “things” like thoughts, situations, etc. Consequently, I can’t juggle physical things either. I’ve tried and it’s really difficult to remember to throw one ball/apple/whatever while focusing on catching the other. I’m amazed when I see other people do it cause it looks so easy… Anyhow, back to what I was saying).  When a number of changes and decision points come up in the life of someone like me (who likes to focus on one thing at a time), I think there’s this sort of overload. Right now I have so much going on, I can’t focus on anything (I’ve noticed that I can’t even keep a steady train of thought while typing this post).

For the past few weeks, I haven’t been running, I haven’t been cooking, I haven’t been reading, I haven’t done much of anything except watch tv. And I have way too much that I should be doing to waste all those hours watching tv, but it seems like that’s the only way to make all the stuff that’s whirling around in my head pause. Otherwise, I feel like such a scatter-brain that I literally want to curl up in a ball and cry (and to be honest sometimes that’s exactly what I do). Not that any one situation I’m facing is so difficult or troubling, but when added together I feel completely overwhelmed!

If only time would just stand still for a while. Give me a chance to get a handle on each situation one by one. That would be a big help. But with time steadily prancing along, just tra-la-la-ing right past me, whenever I try to focus on one thing, I feel guilty cause I know I have a few other things that must be addressed in a timely fashion. So I attempt to context switch which, as I’ve mentioned, is not my strong suit.  So the end result is nothing more than a bunch of half-baked plans (as a side note, ever have one of those times where a common saying finally makes sense to you? Yeah, this was one of those times. “Strong suit,” card games, I get it. Ok, back to the pity party at hand).

If you know me, you know I’m a planner, albeit at times a last-minute planner, but a planner nonetheless. Having a plan helps me maintain some sense of control in the happenings of my life. But when I don’t have the time to put together a decent plan, this is what happens. I end up frazzled and incapable of doing anything productive. Instead, I find ways to escape handling any of my responsibilities (such as writing a post whose only purpose is to give voice to my complete frazzlement and anything else I can rationalize as necessary for my emotional health. I find that I’m a skilled rationalizer).

Anyway, I’ve escaped long enough for now. I guess I’ll attempt getting some work done, since well, I am at work and getting work done is generally what they pay me for. Although at this point, I feel like I’m just here to run around in one of those little hamster wheels. Actually, I think I’d enjoy running in a hamster wheel more than being here right now (yeah, my career is one of those areas that need to be addressed). Ugh, I need some chocolate.

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